#NotUpForDebate

The Politics of Language

How do we know what we know is true? Or valid? Academic institutions deal exactly with this sort of question. The academy is not only a place for learning and accreditation, but more importantly a place for contention. This is the case especially with the question of sex and gender. University of Toronto historian Nick Matte stated that the idea of ‘biological sex” is a “very popular misconception.” Here, Nick Matte uses his scientific expertise in support of this claim (Bradford)

Peterson, on the other hand, uses his position as an academic to maintain an essentialist view of gender aligning with one’s biological sex (one you are born with). Therefore, when one identifies as transsexual, he recognizes their dissatisfaction with their bodies to the extent that they must dress the part.

“If the standard transsexual person wants to be regarded as he or she, my sense is I’ll…

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Turning 30…Going Through Puberty

I turned 30 this week (Nov 1st). It wasn’t a hard birthday. I was fairly excited about it. I mean it’s the big 30. However, it was very strange for me too. I am so not where I thought I would be at 30.

In high school, I had it all figured it. I would be married with at least one kid and probably working on kid number two. I would be in a successful job.

Real life:
I’m divorced. No kids. I’m going through a second puberty. I work at a retail store and will be going back to school.

You know what though? I couldn’t be happier!! It know it’s strange to think about. I look at my life and it can seem like this long winding road that seems like a lot of doors are closing. However if I look closely enough there are so many open doors.

SO what does my 30th year going to look like? First I have no idea and that excites me. It’s also crazy for anyone to have an exact plan on how life is going to go. One of the things that life is really great at is throwing curve balls. Oh and it really does!

What are my hopes for it?
I want to start school and study social work.

I am going to change my name.

Explore myself more. There are so many things that I am finding that I like now that I’m going through my puberty. It’s crazy. I don’t know what is going to continue to change, but I welcome it.

I want to play more! I want to find more people who can continue to teach me. There’s so much out there that I don’t know about and I want to try it.

I want to start making a stand for people who speak out against the LGBTQ community. I want to educated people on various issues. It’s so tough sometimes find safe places. That needs to change.

I want people to love each other.

So if you’re concerned that life isn’t what you thought it would be, celebrate what you love and change what you don’t. No one needs to stay where they are. Live a life that makes you happy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If family or friends can’t accept the life you want to lead, then they aren’t your family or friends. You can’t pick your relatives, but you can pick your family. Family are people who love and accept you unconditionally!

My Identity Is Not Up For Debate

To say every day I struggle with discovering who I am and what my life means may seem like an exaggeration. However as a trans guy, this is a fairly true statement. Being a trans guy who is on the femme side of masculine spectrum is extremely touchy. However, I know that I’m a guy. I am a man.

Man is a new identity to me. For a long time, I wanted to shy away from that term because of all the connotations attached to it.

“Man up.” “Don’t be a sissy.” “Don’t cry.” “Talk like a man.” “Act like a man.” “Be a man.”

Men are expected to demand respect and not take no for answer. Men don’t apologize or admit their wrong.

Does this sound familiar? We put so much pressure on people to conform to gender “standards” or “norms”. These standards can be stereotypes and cliches. Standards should be affirming or milestones such as graduating high school, getting their first job, etc. Standards should not be things in which put down other people.

Another reason it took me time to be comfortable is with the personal effect that the word man means to me. As someone who lived the majority of his life as a woman, I have personally seen how men interact with women. Women are looked on as inferior, soft, delicate, or less than. They are questioned all the time to ensure they know what they’re talking about. Women have to present facts and figures and look professional  but also attractive to be heard. If they become tired or sick, it’s because they can’t handle the work load or have too many distractions. I didn’t want to be part of something that can make people seem small.

Women are not without faults. They can be catty and tear each other down.  Gossip is definitely a problem. However women are tough, extraordinary, and capable of so many wonderful things. They have come so far and will continue to soar.

As a man and a trans man, I do not want to raise my voice over my femme siblings. They so deserve to be heard. I never want to be ashamed of my background as a woman, but that doesn’t give me any more of a right to speak for women. No one person can speak for an entire gender.

As people and humans we need to remember that just because we don’t agree with someone or persons, it doesn’t give us a right to demean or disrespect that person. We should focus on building up each other.

I want to use my voice which unfortunately may be heard louder than my femme sibling as a platform to build up the others around me. I’m not just talking about femininity vs masculinity. I’m talking about all the minorities and majorities helping each other to create a better environment.

What Does “Fully Transitioned” Even Means?

The conversation often goes like this:
Are you male or female?
I’m a trans guy.
Are you fully transitioned?

The idea of ‘full transition’ or ‘complete sex change’ is misguided. People ask this and their thought hormones and surgery.

However, transitioning is not a linear experience. Nor is it a universal journey that is traveled the same way. Each person finds their own way on their own time. Some people use hormones and some don’t. Some people have surgery and some don’t.  Some people do it all. Some people do some of it. Some people do none of it. Each journey is valid. There is absolutely no time frame on this journey. The age they start, when/if  they seek medical transition. Everyone’s journey is valid.

In my opinion, being fully transitioned is being comfortable where you are. Living your truth where you are in the moment your in.

I am fully transitioned. I live as a guy and work as a guy. My journey is far from over, but it’s a journey I’m comfortable living. I am hoping to start hormones in the next month or two. I have thought about surgeries and will decide more on those later. There’s no need to rush into anything. Also surgeries are risky and costly and permanent. Also, I am comfortable with certain body parts. I don’t need to change body parts that I’m comfortable with.

Also on the topic of surgeries, having a penis or vagina does not make one person any more or less their authentic gender.  We dictate how we identify our bodies and the language used for our bodies. Just because my body part’s medical term is one thing, does not mean that I have to use it or allow those who are going to date me or be in my life use that word either. I have words that I use for my body. If you are thinking about dating or being in a relationship with a trans person, learn their words and respect their words.

 

Being Gender Fluid and Dating

Dating while gender variant or nonbinary is really difficult and filled with land mines. I use to think the hardest thing to do was just trying to flirt or date a same sex partner…I was wrong.

How can I tell if they’re attracted to all of me? As in the feminine side of me AND the masculine AND the other genders of me? Do I go to the first date dressed androgynously so I don’t scare them off? Are they expecting me to look femininely? What if I want to be masculine? They should be able to accept me as me right? But what if I scare them off or they don’t want to finish the date? What if my masculine makeup looks fake and they can see right through me?

I have had online people make rude comments about how I’m insane for being my gender.  Somehow dating online gives the illusion that you can ask invasive questions about body parts or what sexual preferences. People ask these questions before barely knowing my name. It’s crazy and rude.

It sets of some gender dysphoria and social anxiety. Gender dysphoria is a term that describes what people who experience significant dysphoria (distress) with the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. It makes it really hard to want to meet people. I understand that people may not understand what gender fluid is, but there are better ways to learn about me.

My experiences of course aren’t all bad. I’ve met some really cool people and friends.  I’m actually meeting someone tomorrow (Friday, Nov 14) that seems really cool. He and I have talked about my gender and he seems to be accepting of it. He’s seen pictures of the multiple sides of me and is willing to hang out with me no matter what gender I present as.

My advice to those who are nonbinary or transgender or gender variant and trying to date is to be true to you. If someone cannot hand your flavor of gender, then they aren’t worth your time. I know this is really hard to handle and makes me feel invalid at times. Surround yourself with friends and people who support you and you can call/text/message to build you up on your low days. I have friends from my Facebook groups, Poly group, Queer group, and etc that I can contact when I’m having a dysphoric day and need to vent. This is a vital step in gender self-care.  If you need help finding groups to belong to, please comment below or message me and I will do my best to get you in contact with a group.

My advice to those who talk to those are nonbinary or transgender or gender variant talk to us like we are anyone else. It’s great to ask us what our pronouns our and call us by the name that we give you. Other than that, what is under our clothes isn’t your concern until you get to know us. Our gender shouldn’t be a priority when you’re first getting to know us. Our interests, hobbies, etc would be a good starting point to talk about.

A few good articles are listed below:

12 Questions About Non-Binary Gender Identities
http://www.bustle.com/articles/74316-12-questions-about-non-binary-gender-identity-youve-been-afraid-to-ask-and-real-answers

8 Things Non-Binary People Need to Know
http://letsqueerthingsup.com/2015/03/15/8-things-non-binary-people-need-to-know

7 Ways to Lovingly Support Your Gender Non-Binary Partner
http://letsqueerthingsup.com/2015/02/20/7-ways-to-lovingly-support-your-gender-non-binary-partner/

Learning More & More

As I read more and morn e blogs and posts in my Gender Fluid groups and Transgender groups I am learning more about myself and the world around me. It’s so amazing to hear stories about people who are going through similar journeys as I am. Which is why I am passionate about sharing my story. I know there are people who don’t understand it, but that’s okay.

I’m transmasculine gender fluid. I’m also panromantic demisexual and polyamorous.

I’ve listed the definitions below to help explain these words. I don’t fit them exactly and I don’t use them as labels. I use them as identifiers. I use them to help identify myself and my community. They are conversation starters to help communicate how we fit with people and in the world around us.

Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois (gender neutral), or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. (1)
Transmasculine is a term used to describe transgender people who were assigned female at birth, but identify with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity.
This includes:
Trans men
Demiguys
Multigender people whose strongest gender   identity is a masculine one
Gender fluid people who are masculine most often
Any other non-binary gender who views themselves as significantly masculine
Transmasculine can also be used as a gender identity in its own right. Although they have masculine gender identities, transmasculine people may prefer not to conform to stereotypical masculine gender expression or gender roles. The feminine equivalent of transmasculine is transfeminine. (2)
Panromantic is the ability to be attracted to all genders in a romantic way, but not necessarily in a sexual way.  This is often used by people that feel this romantic attraction applies to them, regardless of their sexual orientation. (3)
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. (4)
Polyamory is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour (meaning “love”); hence “many loves” or Polyamory. Adjective is polyamorous. (5)

I’ve attached the links that I used the definitions. They also have a lot of good information as well. Please feel free to read the links and email/message me any questions.

• http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Gender_Fluid
• http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Transmasculine
• urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=panromantic
• http://demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/
• https://www.morethantwo.com/poly101.pdf & https://www.morethantwo.com

 

 

Gender Fluid and Dating

Dating while gender variant or nonbinary is really difficult and filled with land mines. I use to think the hardest thing to do was just trying to flirt or date a same sex partner…I was wrong.

How can I tell if they’re attracted to all of me? As in the feminine side of me AND the masculine AND the other genders of me? Do I go to the first date dressed androgynously so I don’t scare them off? Are they expecting me to look femininely? What if I want to be masculine? They should be able to accept me as me right? But what if I scare them off or they don’t want to finish the date? What if my masculine makeup looks fake and they can see right through me?

I have had online people make rude comments about how I’m insane for being my gender.  Somehow dating online gives the illusion that you can ask invasive questions about body parts or what sexual preferences. People ask these questions before barely knowing my name. It’s crazy and rude.

It sets of some gender dysphoria and social anxiety. Gender dysphoria is a term that describes what people who experience significant dysphoria (distress) with the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. It makes it really hard to want to meet people. I understand that people may not understand what gender fluid is, but there are better ways to learn about me.

My experiences of course aren’t all bad. I’ve met some really cool people and friends.  I’m actually meeting someone tomorrow (Friday, Nov 13) that seems really cool. He and I have talked about my gender and he seems to be accepting of it. He’s seen pictures of the multiple sides of me and is willing to hang out with me no matter what gender I present as.

My advice to those who are nonbinary or transgender or gender variant and trying to date is to be true to you. If someone cannot hand your flavor of gender, then they aren’t worth your time. I know this is really hard to handle and makes me feel invalid at times. Surround yourself with friends and people who support you and you can call/text/message to build you up on your low days. I have friends from my Facebook groups, Poly group, Queer group, and etc that I can contact when I’m having a dysphoric day and need to vent. This is a vital step in gender self-care.  If you need help finding groups to belong to, please comment below or message me and I will do my best to get you in contact with a group.

My advice to those who talk to those are nonbinary or transgender or gender variant talk to us like we are anyone else. It’s great to ask us what our pronouns our and call us by the name that we give you. Other than that, what is under our clothes isn’t your concern until you get to know us. Our gender shouldn’t be a priority when you’re first getting to know us. Our interests, hobbies, etc would be a good starting point to talk about.

My advice to those who are nonbinary or transgender or gender variant and trying to date is to be true to you. If someone cannot hand your flavor of gender, then they aren’t worth your time. I know this is really hard to handle and makes me feel invalid at times. Surround yourself with friends and people who support you and you can call/text/message to build you up on your low days. I have friends from my Facebook groups, Poly group, Queer group, and etc that I can contact when I’m having a dysphoric day and need to vent. This is a vital step in gender self-care.  If you need help finding groups to belong to, please comment below or message me and I will do my best to get you in contact with a group.

A few good articles are listed below:

12 Questions About Non-Binary Gender Identities http://www.bustle.com/articles/74316-12-questions-about-non-binary-gender-identity-youve-been-afraid-to-ask-and-real-answers

8 Things Non-Binary People Need to Know
http://letsqueerthingsup.com/2015/03/15/8-things-non-binary-people-need-to-know

7 Ways to Lovingly Support Your Gender Non-Binary Partner
http://letsqueerthingsup.com/2015/02/20/7-ways-to-lovingly-support-your-gender-non-binary-partner/

Happy Birthday Flynn!!

My name is Emery Flynn. I go by Flynn.  He was born on October 12, 2015. I prefer he/him pronouns. I am gender fluid. I am still exploring my gender identity.

I prefer masculine clothes because I feel they express my gender best, but there are days I like to look pretty.

I have bought new clothes and cologne. I have started styling my hair differently. Tomorrow I’m actually getting my hair cut which I’m excited and nervous about.

This didn’t happen overnight. I slowly built to this new identity. I started by accepting that I could be gender fluid. I looked at groups Facebook and Google. Reading blogs and watching Youtube videos.

After I accepted that the term gender fluid fit me, I started talking to people who were gender fluid, transgender, or other non-binary identity. I wanted to learn how they experienced they gender identities and learn how they learned about their gender expression.

Once I became comfortable with the information, I wanted to try to start smelling like a guy. I went to the store with my girlfriend and checked out a couple of deodorants.  We settled Speedstick Ocean Surf. She recommended that I buy an out from the mens clothes section.  I bought mens underwear, jeans, and a shirt.  The deodorant was nice, but didn’t make me smell quite how I wanted so I also bought Old Spice Pure Sport.

When I came home and put the underwear on, it was such an amazing feeling! I felt so giddy. They fit and felt good. It was like what I had been looking for. I put on my new pants and shirt and felt like I could be a guy!

I slowly started referring to myself in my head as he. The other day I referred to myself as he, when talking to a friend. That’s when I decided that I wanted to be referred to by he/him by my friends and family. My situation is a little different which one of the great things about gender fluidity is. With my husband, I still prefer she/her pronouns because with him I feel feminine in our relationship. I love being his wife and I feel those pronouns honor me.  For other relationships, I go by other pronouns to fit my role. The pronoun one person goes by doesn’t have to fit their sex or gender expression; it’s whatever honors them the best.

I’m still figuring a lot of this out, but I think I’m doing pretty well so far. Please ask me any questions. I really would like any advice or to help anyone who needs it or make friends along the way.

What about your husband?

He’s very supportive of our relationship. This evolution in our relationship did not happen over night. I have seen other women in the past casually. I hadn’t had any real intention of being serious with the women in the past.

He knows his and my relationship is secure. Our relationship does not lack anything. It also is not any less of a marriage than two people who are in a monogamous marriage. Polyamory is not better or worse than monogamy. These relationships are simply different ways to find love.

Polyamory does take a lot of security and trust in the relationship, your partner, and very importantly yourself.  He and I have had several conversations about feelings and our relationship. I can’t completely speak for Tim, but I know it’s not easy to talk about feelings.It’s uncomfortable at times. This is hard for anyone. People in general don’t like confrontation.

Tim and I have always been really good about communication. One of my first memories of time is when I worked retail and was ranting about when people would tick me off because they had then mentality that “you are customer service and you are here to be my servant.” It DROVE ME NUTS!!! I can’t take it! He would at first try to rationalize with me. HA! He then realized that I didn’t need that from the conversation and asked “What do you need from me in this conversation?”

Asking this questions was something that no one had ever done for me. He did this in several conversations for months in our relationship. I also asked him. This built the relationship so well. We still do this from time to time when we are dealing with difficult conversations and are not sure what the other person is trying to say or need.

As we’ve been married for two years and together for longer than that, we don’t ask this question as often. We’ve learned how to communicate. However, in this new relationship we will continue to improve and work and tweak our skills. That’s what growing and evolving does and that’s OK.

One of the greatest things about any relationship is that it’s fluid and changing. We can talk things our and discuss how we want it to be! It’s always what’s a little scary about relationships.

Entering A New World

I have made some self discoveries about myself over the last year and am finally ready to share them with the world. For those who are not open-minded or do not want to read about controversial topics this your chance to click the red x in the upper right corner and never look at this particular post again. I won’t promise this disclaimer in all of my future posts, but this is going to be the most shocking for those who know me. I’m giving you a chance to continue to live in bliss if you would like.

I am going to be using newly learned vocab even to me so I will try to include that in this blog. However if there’s a word you don’t know, you can message or even google it. That’s how I’ve learned a lot of I’m writing about.

Now to the meat of the blog.

Part 1-Sexuality

I’m Pansexual. This means that I am attracted to a person regardless their gender identity. http://www.stop-homophobia.com Uses the Definition: pansexuals have the capability of attraction to others regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. A pansexual could be open to someone who is male, female, transgender, intersex, or agendered/genderqueer.

This of course doesn’t mean that I like everyone or that I am attracted to everyone. Just like you reading this blog have certain attributes that you like when looking at an attractive person, I do as well. Being pansexual does not mean that I am attracted to everyone and will sleep with anyone. It just means that I have the ability to love or am openness to all genders and gender identities.

Part 2-Polyamory

I state what I do in part 1, because it’s important for the 2nd part of the story. I am in a polyamorous relationship with my husband. He’s fully aware of it (it wouldn’t be polyamorous if he didn’t).
The definition that I really like for polyamory is from http://www.morethantwo.com. They also have a fantastic book that we are in the process of reading. The definition is as follows polyamory  is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour (meaning “love”); hence “many loves” or Polyamory.

Talking about polyamory is too much for one blog post and I couldn’t even really talk about as any sort of expert on it. As I said I have just recently discovered the term. I do plan to use this blog to write about my experiences so that people like me can learn from me and also so that I can seek advice from any of you who are out there that can offer it.

Part 3- My Girlfriend

This is the exciting part. I have a girlfriend. She and I have been dating about 2 weeks. She’s quite amazing and she blushes when I say that. I don’t know why because it’s true. I also won’t go into much detail about her at this time because I haven’t gotten explicit permission to do so. So until I do, all you really need to know is that she’s beautiful but more importantly she makes me happy.

Part 4-Why Post all this Online?

I no longer want to hide who I am, but more importantly and less selflessly I no longer want others to feel that they have to hide either. I want to help inspire others to live life to their fullest and to be happy. I want them to find courage in my posts and stories and be able to go to school and face their classmates. I want people of all orientations, gender identities, and life styles to feel that they don’t have to be ashamed because they don’t fit into the norm. I’ve heard so many stories and felt the pain of losing friends for telling them of who I was. I do not want this to continue any longer. I may be only one writer, but it has to start somewhere.

So please share my posts. Pass on the acceptance and love. Stop the social conditioning that this has to be swept under the carpet and not spoken about. I wish I knew a fraction of what I do know when I was first learning about myself in high school. We need to be able to inspire change! It has to start somewhere!