Nighttime Monster

That’s right…Insomnia. It’s a terrible monster that robs sleep, dreams, productivity, and peace. I’ve been trying to go to bed a regular hour and going through the motions to try to get in the habit of going to bed. I lie awake with my thoughts turning and racing. I go through my breathing exercises and visualization exercises and prayers. I’ve taken my sleep aids. I don’t find much relief.

I’m going to make an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow. My current one is no longer covered under my insurance. It takes time to get into the doctor and the first appointment is the intake appointment. I’m currently in the process of adjusting/switching meds so it’s going to be a confusing couple of visits. The medication that I am is to treat my OCD and anxiety. Right now, it’s not really doing the job. I’m up to my full dose. It takes time to get to the full dose because it causes upset stomach. The hope is that on a full dose that the OCD will be treated and the insomnia will start to get better. Unfortunately, the insomnia is only getting worse which makes me think that the medication is causing the insomnia. I’ll know more once I meet with the doctor.

I don’t want this to be a negative rant, but it has kind of turned out to be. Insomnia strips me of so much. I feel like tired all the time because I’m either over sleeping or under sleeping. I am on working on cutting out caffeine. It hasn’t made a difference. I’m meeting with a friend to discuss essential oils to help get relief as well.

These troubles remind me of one of my favorite songs. Blessings by Laura Story.
‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise’

I know He has a plan for me through this. I will be a better and stronger person. I just need to weather the storm. I keep holding onto to the truth that sometimes the reason we weather storms is to build our faith. This may not be the case for this situation However since I don’t know the reason, it’s a good enough reason to hold on to. I just know that God has a plan that that He won’t let me fall. I’m sharing my story with you because I know that someone out there can benefit from knowing that there’s someone else struggling with something similar. Please let me know if you’re out there. (I could benefit from it too)


‘Slow My Roll’ Day-Saturday, March 14

Every once in awhile in while I have a day that I call, “Slow My Roll” Day. The reason for this is my body gives me all the signs to slow my roll such as fatigue, sensitivity to light and sound, high pain flare, and sometimes other symptoms. When I feel these signs, I decide to take a day to rest in my room. Also with Fibromyalgia, the body doesn’t know how to process outside stimulus because the nervous system is over reactive.

I find that controlling my environment is one of the ways that I can help me rest and let my nervous system decompress. I’ll watch Netflix or sleep. I don’t normally leave my room for the majority of the day. Around dinner time, I’ll have recuperated enough to hang out with my husband to eat dinner and watch a movie.

I don’t have many of these days, but when I do, I’ve learned that I have to listen to my body. If I don’t it gets worse. These are different than the “Lazy Days” we all have. The difference is on a lazy day I can do things if I would like but just don’t feel like it. Slow my roll days I should do it because my body needs to rest to recuperate from either being pushed to hard, doing to much, or just fibro in general.

A little background on Fibromyalgia 

I was reading an article on “It is as if the volume control is set too high in the nerves in a person’s body so things that wouldn’t cause pain in most people do cause pain in people with fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia cannot be diagnosed with laboratory tests. The results of X-rays and blood tests are normal. Therefore, the diagnosis is based on a careful history and physical examination.” It goes on to say. ”

No one knows for sure what causes fibromyalgia. Researchers suspect that many different factors, alone or in combination, may contribute to the development of fibromyalgia. For example, factors such as an infectious illness, physical trauma, emotional trauma or hormonal changes may trigger the development of generalized pain, fatigue and sleep disturbances that characterize the condition.

Studies have suggested that people with fibromyalgia have abnormal levels of several different chemicals in their blood or cerebrospinal fluid that help transmit and amplify pain signals to and from the brain. There also is evidence that the central nervous system’s ability to inhibit pain is impaired in these people. In addition to patient reports, brain-imaging studies have confirmed that when fibromyalgia patients are given a small amount of pressure or heat, they experience much higher amounts of pain, as if the “volume control” is set too high on pain processing. Whether these abnormalities are a cause or a result of fibromyalgia is unknown.”

Celebrate the Small Victories-OCD

Many people say “I think I have OCD because I can’t stand having my house a mess” Or “I must I have OCD because stand the way my coworkers do things”  Some of these people may have OCD. However I find some people don’t fully understand what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder entails. It’s not just the outward compulsions eg hand washing, checking the doors, and reorganizing the work space.  There’s also a mental aspect to it there’s normally a reason even if we don’t know it to the compulsions. We have anxiety built up around these compulsions and when we don’t do them our mind freaks out a bit.

Part of my treatment plan is to find compulsions that are low on my anxiety that we can stop doing or try to reworking. My compulsions is….LAUGH IF YOU WANT TO (I DO!)…using Whit-Out on my To-Lists and rough drafts. Things that NO ONE is going to see! LOL!

I get how silly that sounds! I just can’t stand seeing the mistake. However it’s manageable anxiety that I can rationalize  with affirmations like “No one is going to see this. You are going to throw this away when you’re done.” And YES I repeat this if I have to while writing my list or draft, but it has been working. I am also on medication which helps with the anxiety but that’s a different blog for a different day.

Picture of my victory!!! Cafe-No Whiteout

About Me

Hello there!

I am working on this blog to be an navigate my world. This is completely new to me and want to share it to the world around me. This a little scary to me but seems like it’s something that isn’t always talked about. I am pansexual and polyamorous. I want to be able to share my examples and help those who are in similar situations as me know they aren’t alone. Please know that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing and that I am reading books, blogs and learning by trial and error. Please share your stories and comments with me. We can learn together.

Secondly even though just by looking at me, you wouldn’t think that I have the mental and physical medical conditions that I do. This is why I’ve felt the need to start this blog. I think it’s time to get an honest and humorous voice out there for young adults out there. We’re so often thought of as ‘invincible’ and part of that’s because we ourselves thing that. Heck, I still think that I am and I know that I’m not.

My back story:

I was adopted as a teenager after living in and out of the foster care system for 9 years. My adopted parents of passed away (Mom in 2005 and Dad 2014). It’s been a struggle. I do know my biological parents and have a strained and unique relationship with them.

I live with OCD, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, Fibromyalgia, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome PCOS, Insulin Resistance (due to the PCOS), and chronic migraines. I have a couple of skin conditions: Keratosis Pilaris which mainly affects my thighs and upper arms and seborrheic dermatitis which affects my scalp. I do not list these conditions to try to receive pity or try to say my life sucks in any way. I honestly can’t say that my life sucks.

I LOVE my life. I love EVERY part of my life some parts more than others, but every part of it. I hope that by writing this blog I can help people learn to love their lives too.