Turning 30…Going Through Puberty

I turned 30 this week (Nov 1st). It wasn’t a hard birthday. I was fairly excited about it. I mean it’s the big 30. However, it was very strange for me too. I am so not where I thought I would be at 30.

In high school, I had it all figured it. I would be married with at least one kid and probably working on kid number two. I would be in a successful job.

Real life:
I’m divorced. No kids. I’m going through a second puberty. I work at a retail store and will be going back to school.

You know what though? I couldn’t be happier!! It know it’s strange to think about. I look at my life and it can seem like this long winding road that seems like a lot of doors are closing. However if I look closely enough there are so many open doors.

SO what does my 30th year going to look like? First I have no idea and that excites me. It’s also crazy for anyone to have an exact plan on how life is going to go. One of the things that life is really great at is throwing curve balls. Oh and it really does!

What are my hopes for it?
I want to start school and study social work.

I am going to change my name.

Explore myself more. There are so many things that I am finding that I like now that I’m going through my puberty. It’s crazy. I don’t know what is going to continue to change, but I welcome it.

I want to play more! I want to find more people who can continue to teach me. There’s so much out there that I don’t know about and I want to try it.

I want to start making a stand for people who speak out against the LGBTQ community. I want to educated people on various issues. It’s so tough sometimes find safe places. That needs to change.

I want people to love each other.

So if you’re concerned that life isn’t what you thought it would be, celebrate what you love and change what you don’t. No one needs to stay where they are. Live a life that makes you happy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If family or friends can’t accept the life you want to lead, then they aren’t your family or friends. You can’t pick your relatives, but you can pick your family. Family are people who love and accept you unconditionally!

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My Identity Is Not Up For Debate

To say every day I struggle with discovering who I am and what my life means may seem like an exaggeration. However as a trans guy, this is a fairly true statement. Being a trans guy who is on the femme side of masculine spectrum is extremely touchy. However, I know that I’m a guy. I am a man.

Man is a new identity to me. For a long time, I wanted to shy away from that term because of all the connotations attached to it.

“Man up.” “Don’t be a sissy.” “Don’t cry.” “Talk like a man.” “Act like a man.” “Be a man.”

Men are expected to demand respect and not take no for answer. Men don’t apologize or admit their wrong.

Does this sound familiar? We put so much pressure on people to conform to gender “standards” or “norms”. These standards can be stereotypes and cliches. Standards should be affirming or milestones such as graduating high school, getting their first job, etc. Standards should not be things in which put down other people.

Another reason it took me time to be comfortable is with the personal effect that the word man means to me. As someone who lived the majority of his life as a woman, I have personally seen how men interact with women. Women are looked on as inferior, soft, delicate, or less than. They are questioned all the time to ensure they know what they’re talking about. Women have to present facts and figures and look professional  but also attractive to be heard. If they become tired or sick, it’s because they can’t handle the work load or have too many distractions. I didn’t want to be part of something that can make people seem small.

Women are not without faults. They can be catty and tear each other down.  Gossip is definitely a problem. However women are tough, extraordinary, and capable of so many wonderful things. They have come so far and will continue to soar.

As a man and a trans man, I do not want to raise my voice over my femme siblings. They so deserve to be heard. I never want to be ashamed of my background as a woman, but that doesn’t give me any more of a right to speak for women. No one person can speak for an entire gender.

As people and humans we need to remember that just because we don’t agree with someone or persons, it doesn’t give us a right to demean or disrespect that person. We should focus on building up each other.

I want to use my voice which unfortunately may be heard louder than my femme sibling as a platform to build up the others around me. I’m not just talking about femininity vs masculinity. I’m talking about all the minorities and majorities helping each other to create a better environment.

What Does “Fully Transitioned” Even Means?

The conversation often goes like this:
Are you male or female?
I’m a trans guy.
Are you fully transitioned?

The idea of ‘full transition’ or ‘complete sex change’ is misguided. People ask this and their thought hormones and surgery.

However, transitioning is not a linear experience. Nor is it a universal journey that is traveled the same way. Each person finds their own way on their own time. Some people use hormones and some don’t. Some people have surgery and some don’t.  Some people do it all. Some people do some of it. Some people do none of it. Each journey is valid. There is absolutely no time frame on this journey. The age they start, when/if  they seek medical transition. Everyone’s journey is valid.

In my opinion, being fully transitioned is being comfortable where you are. Living your truth where you are in the moment your in.

I am fully transitioned. I live as a guy and work as a guy. My journey is far from over, but it’s a journey I’m comfortable living. I am hoping to start hormones in the next month or two. I have thought about surgeries and will decide more on those later. There’s no need to rush into anything. Also surgeries are risky and costly and permanent. Also, I am comfortable with certain body parts. I don’t need to change body parts that I’m comfortable with.

Also on the topic of surgeries, having a penis or vagina does not make one person any more or less their authentic gender.  We dictate how we identify our bodies and the language used for our bodies. Just because my body part’s medical term is one thing, does not mean that I have to use it or allow those who are going to date me or be in my life use that word either. I have words that I use for my body. If you are thinking about dating or being in a relationship with a trans person, learn their words and respect their words.

 

Learning More & More

As I read more and morn e blogs and posts in my Gender Fluid groups and Transgender groups I am learning more about myself and the world around me. It’s so amazing to hear stories about people who are going through similar journeys as I am. Which is why I am passionate about sharing my story. I know there are people who don’t understand it, but that’s okay.

I’m transmasculine gender fluid. I’m also panromantic demisexual and polyamorous.

I’ve listed the definitions below to help explain these words. I don’t fit them exactly and I don’t use them as labels. I use them as identifiers. I use them to help identify myself and my community. They are conversation starters to help communicate how we fit with people and in the world around us.

Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois (gender neutral), or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. (1)
Transmasculine is a term used to describe transgender people who were assigned female at birth, but identify with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity.
This includes:
Trans men
Demiguys
Multigender people whose strongest gender   identity is a masculine one
Gender fluid people who are masculine most often
Any other non-binary gender who views themselves as significantly masculine
Transmasculine can also be used as a gender identity in its own right. Although they have masculine gender identities, transmasculine people may prefer not to conform to stereotypical masculine gender expression or gender roles. The feminine equivalent of transmasculine is transfeminine. (2)
Panromantic is the ability to be attracted to all genders in a romantic way, but not necessarily in a sexual way.  This is often used by people that feel this romantic attraction applies to them, regardless of their sexual orientation. (3)
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. (4)
Polyamory is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour (meaning “love”); hence “many loves” or Polyamory. Adjective is polyamorous. (5)

I’ve attached the links that I used the definitions. They also have a lot of good information as well. Please feel free to read the links and email/message me any questions.