Where to begin….

This week has been a trying one to say the least….

Let’s start with last weekend. It was amazing. I met a friend. She’s amazing. I think if it weren’t for her; I may not have gotten through this week as well as I have. She’s been understanding about my stress and emotions. She’s a transgender male to female. Which when some people read that sentence, that’s all they are going to see about her. That’s the farthest from the truth. She’s funny even if I can’t catch all of her jokes. She’s sweet and caring. She’s beautiful and smart. She can be anything she wants to be, and when she finally decides what that is she’ll be the best at it. I met her on Friday, and she’s one of the best things that has happened in a while.

That’s why I had to start with the weekend. Without the weekend, this week would have been hell.

On Monday, I was in a car accident. I’m not going to go into details as to what happened. Everyone’s okay, and I was the only one in the car. My car is totaled. I am in the process of buying a new car. I should have a new one tomorrow.

As some of you know, with anxiety and OCD my stress has been through the roof and this week has been full of emotions.
I was fairly calm. It was the day of tasks. I knew what I needed to get done, and I went though the motions.  Fibromyalgia tried to rear it’s head. My neck really hurt and my back did too but with heavy doses of Aleeve the pain didn’t last too long. I went to my newly mentioned friend’s house and was able to get out of my head and  play video games. It was really needed after replaying the accident and everything over again. (thanks OCD).
I was full of rage. I felt like my testosterone was just flowing through my veins. With PCOS, it could have been. Also with stress and anxiety it could have been just overwhelming response to that. I wanted to kill anyone who got in my path. I was so angry at Tim for not understanding that I was still sore from my accident and that I was stressed out from that. I wanted to kill my coworker for eating her soup too loudly.  I just wanted to scream til I couldn’t anymore. I received that news that my car was totaled and that I should clean out my car so that I could receive payment sooner. My friend and I did that, that afternoon.
Afterwards, we went to her house and hung out. She was able to help put somethings into perspective. I was having trouble admitting something to myself, and I didn’t even want to say it aloud. I was afraid that my car accident was a punishment for sins that I had commitment. I am a follow of Christ. I don’t know if that necessary makes me a Christian because Christians have started making that word mean something that isn’t necessary following the example that Christ Himself set out for us. My friend, she’s not a Christian. She’s actually an Atheist. She help me put it in perspective. I knew in my heart that God didn’t cause my accident, but I was letting my depression cause my mind to take control. I need to not let the dark thoughts be put in His mouth. He loves and accepts me. It was great talking with her about it. It really made her uncomfortable and myself a little (a lot) if I’m honest, but she said the best things anyone could have.  I can’t even begin to try to quote what she said.

I know there are people who are not going to like what I’ve written or agree with it, but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and inspire those who are similar to me. I can’t do that without being honest. Even this blog isn’t completely honest, and I’m doing a disservice. However, it’s the best I think I can do at the moment.


‘Slow My Roll’ Day-Saturday, March 14

Every once in awhile in while I have a day that I call, “Slow My Roll” Day. The reason for this is my body gives me all the signs to slow my roll such as fatigue, sensitivity to light and sound, high pain flare, and sometimes other symptoms. When I feel these signs, I decide to take a day to rest in my room. Also with Fibromyalgia, the body doesn’t know how to process outside stimulus because the nervous system is over reactive.

I find that controlling my environment is one of the ways that I can help me rest and let my nervous system decompress. I’ll watch Netflix or sleep. I don’t normally leave my room for the majority of the day. Around dinner time, I’ll have recuperated enough to hang out with my husband to eat dinner and watch a movie.

I don’t have many of these days, but when I do, I’ve learned that I have to listen to my body. If I don’t it gets worse. These are different than the “Lazy Days” we all have. The difference is on a lazy day I can do things if I would like but just don’t feel like it. Slow my roll days I should do it because my body needs to rest to recuperate from either being pushed to hard, doing to much, or just fibro in general.

A little background on Fibromyalgia 

I was reading an article on http://www.arthritistoday.org/. “It is as if the volume control is set too high in the nerves in a person’s body so things that wouldn’t cause pain in most people do cause pain in people with fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia cannot be diagnosed with laboratory tests. The results of X-rays and blood tests are normal. Therefore, the diagnosis is based on a careful history and physical examination.” It goes on to say. ”

No one knows for sure what causes fibromyalgia. Researchers suspect that many different factors, alone or in combination, may contribute to the development of fibromyalgia. For example, factors such as an infectious illness, physical trauma, emotional trauma or hormonal changes may trigger the development of generalized pain, fatigue and sleep disturbances that characterize the condition.

Studies have suggested that people with fibromyalgia have abnormal levels of several different chemicals in their blood or cerebrospinal fluid that help transmit and amplify pain signals to and from the brain. There also is evidence that the central nervous system’s ability to inhibit pain is impaired in these people. In addition to patient reports, brain-imaging studies have confirmed that when fibromyalgia patients are given a small amount of pressure or heat, they experience much higher amounts of pain, as if the “volume control” is set too high on pain processing. Whether these abnormalities are a cause or a result of fibromyalgia is unknown.”