Where to begin….

This week has been a trying one to say the least….

Let’s start with last weekend. It was amazing. I met a friend. She’s amazing. I think if it weren’t for her; I may not have gotten through this week as well as I have. She’s been understanding about my stress and emotions. She’s a transgender male to female. Which when some people read that sentence, that’s all they are going to see about her. That’s the farthest from the truth. She’s funny even if I can’t catch all of her jokes. She’s sweet and caring. She’s beautiful and smart. She can be anything she wants to be, and when she finally decides what that is she’ll be the best at it. I met her on Friday, and she’s one of the best things that has happened in a while.

That’s why I had to start with the weekend. Without the weekend, this week would have been hell.

On Monday, I was in a car accident. I’m not going to go into details as to what happened. Everyone’s okay, and I was the only one in the car. My car is totaled. I am in the process of buying a new car. I should have a new one tomorrow.

As some of you know, with anxiety and OCD my stress has been through the roof and this week has been full of emotions.
I was fairly calm. It was the day of tasks. I knew what I needed to get done, and I went though the motions.  Fibromyalgia tried to rear it’s head. My neck really hurt and my back did too but with heavy doses of Aleeve the pain didn’t last too long. I went to my newly mentioned friend’s house and was able to get out of my head and  play video games. It was really needed after replaying the accident and everything over again. (thanks OCD).
I was full of rage. I felt like my testosterone was just flowing through my veins. With PCOS, it could have been. Also with stress and anxiety it could have been just overwhelming response to that. I wanted to kill anyone who got in my path. I was so angry at Tim for not understanding that I was still sore from my accident and that I was stressed out from that. I wanted to kill my coworker for eating her soup too loudly.  I just wanted to scream til I couldn’t anymore. I received that news that my car was totaled and that I should clean out my car so that I could receive payment sooner. My friend and I did that, that afternoon.
Afterwards, we went to her house and hung out. She was able to help put somethings into perspective. I was having trouble admitting something to myself, and I didn’t even want to say it aloud. I was afraid that my car accident was a punishment for sins that I had commitment. I am a follow of Christ. I don’t know if that necessary makes me a Christian because Christians have started making that word mean something that isn’t necessary following the example that Christ Himself set out for us. My friend, she’s not a Christian. She’s actually an Atheist. She help me put it in perspective. I knew in my heart that God didn’t cause my accident, but I was letting my depression cause my mind to take control. I need to not let the dark thoughts be put in His mouth. He loves and accepts me. It was great talking with her about it. It really made her uncomfortable and myself a little (a lot) if I’m honest, but she said the best things anyone could have.  I can’t even begin to try to quote what she said.

I know there are people who are not going to like what I’ve written or agree with it, but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and inspire those who are similar to me. I can’t do that without being honest. Even this blog isn’t completely honest, and I’m doing a disservice. However, it’s the best I think I can do at the moment.


Celebrate the Small Victories-OCD

Many people say “I think I have OCD because I can’t stand having my house a mess” Or “I must I have OCD because stand the way my coworkers do things”  Some of these people may have OCD. However I find some people don’t fully understand what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder entails. It’s not just the outward compulsions eg hand washing, checking the doors, and reorganizing the work space.  There’s also a mental aspect to it there’s normally a reason even if we don’t know it to the compulsions. We have anxiety built up around these compulsions and when we don’t do them our mind freaks out a bit.

Part of my treatment plan is to find compulsions that are low on my anxiety that we can stop doing or try to reworking. My compulsions is….LAUGH IF YOU WANT TO (I DO!)…using Whit-Out on my To-Lists and rough drafts. Things that NO ONE is going to see! LOL!

I get how silly that sounds! I just can’t stand seeing the mistake. However it’s manageable anxiety that I can rationalize  with affirmations like “No one is going to see this. You are going to throw this away when you’re done.” And YES I repeat this if I have to while writing my list or draft, but it has been working. I am also on medication which helps with the anxiety but that’s a different blog for a different day.

Picture of my victory!!! Cafe-No Whiteout