Dating while gender variant or nonbinary is really difficult and filled with land mines. I use to think the hardest thing to do was just trying to flirt or date a same sex partner…I was wrong.
How can I tell if they’re attracted to all of me? As in the feminine side of me AND the masculine AND the other genders of me? Do I go to the first date dressed androgynously so I don’t scare them off? Are they expecting me to look femininely? What if I want to be masculine? They should be able to accept me as me right? But what if I scare them off or they don’t want to finish the date? What if my masculine makeup looks fake and they can see right through me?
I have had online people make rude comments about how I’m insane for being my gender. Somehow dating online gives the illusion that you can ask invasive questions about body parts or what sexual preferences. People ask these questions before barely knowing my name. It’s crazy and rude.
It sets of some gender dysphoria and social anxiety. Gender dysphoria is a term that describes what people who experience significant dysphoria (distress) with the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. It makes it really hard to want to meet people. I understand that people may not understand what gender fluid is, but there are better ways to learn about me.
My experiences of course aren’t all bad. I’ve met some really cool people and friends. I’m actually meeting someone tomorrow (Friday, Nov 14) that seems really cool. He and I have talked about my gender and he seems to be accepting of it. He’s seen pictures of the multiple sides of me and is willing to hang out with me no matter what gender I present as.
My advice to those who are nonbinary or transgender or gender variant and trying to date is to be true to you. If someone cannot hand your flavor of gender, then they aren’t worth your time. I know this is really hard to handle and makes me feel invalid at times. Surround yourself with friends and people who support you and you can call/text/message to build you up on your low days. I have friends from my Facebook groups, Poly group, Queer group, and etc that I can contact when I’m having a dysphoric day and need to vent. This is a vital step in gender self-care. If you need help finding groups to belong to, please comment below or message me and I will do my best to get you in contact with a group.
My advice to those who talk to those are nonbinary or transgender or gender variant talk to us like we are anyone else. It’s great to ask us what our pronouns our and call us by the name that we give you. Other than that, what is under our clothes isn’t your concern until you get to know us. Our gender shouldn’t be a priority when you’re first getting to know us. Our interests, hobbies, etc would be a good starting point to talk about.
A few good articles are listed below:
12 Questions About Non-Binary Gender Identities
8 Things Non-Binary People Need to Know
7 Ways to Lovingly Support Your Gender Non-Binary Partner