What about your husband?

He’s very supportive of our relationship. This evolution in our relationship did not happen over night. I have seen other women in the past casually. I hadn’t had any real intention of being serious with the women in the past.

He knows his and my relationship is secure. Our relationship does not lack anything. It also is not any less of a marriage than two people who are in a monogamous marriage. Polyamory is not better or worse than monogamy. These relationships are simply different ways to find love.

Polyamory does take a lot of security and trust in the relationship, your partner, and very importantly yourself.  He and I have had several conversations about feelings and our relationship. I can’t completely speak for Tim, but I know it’s not easy to talk about feelings.It’s uncomfortable at times. This is hard for anyone. People in general don’t like confrontation.

Tim and I have always been really good about communication. One of my first memories of time is when I worked retail and was ranting about when people would tick me off because they had then mentality that “you are customer service and you are here to be my servant.” It DROVE ME NUTS!!! I can’t take it! He would at first try to rationalize with me. HA! He then realized that I didn’t need that from the conversation and asked “What do you need from me in this conversation?”

Asking this questions was something that no one had ever done for me. He did this in several conversations for months in our relationship. I also asked him. This built the relationship so well. We still do this from time to time when we are dealing with difficult conversations and are not sure what the other person is trying to say or need.

As we’ve been married for two years and together for longer than that, we don’t ask this question as often. We’ve learned how to communicate. However, in this new relationship we will continue to improve and work and tweak our skills. That’s what growing and evolving does and that’s OK.

One of the greatest things about any relationship is that it’s fluid and changing. We can talk things our and discuss how we want it to be! It’s always what’s a little scary about relationships.


Entering A New World

I have made some self discoveries about myself over the last year and am finally ready to share them with the world. For those who are not open-minded or do not want to read about controversial topics this your chance to click the red x in the upper right corner and never look at this particular post again. I won’t promise this disclaimer in all of my future posts, but this is going to be the most shocking for those who know me. I’m giving you a chance to continue to live in bliss if you would like.

I am going to be using newly learned vocab even to me so I will try to include that in this blog. However if there’s a word you don’t know, you can message or even google it. That’s how I’ve learned a lot of I’m writing about.

Now to the meat of the blog.

Part 1-Sexuality

I’m Pansexual. This means that I am attracted to a person regardless their gender identity. http://www.stop-homophobia.com Uses the Definition: pansexuals have the capability of attraction to others regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. A pansexual could be open to someone who is male, female, transgender, intersex, or agendered/genderqueer.

This of course doesn’t mean that I like everyone or that I am attracted to everyone. Just like you reading this blog have certain attributes that you like when looking at an attractive person, I do as well. Being pansexual does not mean that I am attracted to everyone and will sleep with anyone. It just means that I have the ability to love or am openness to all genders and gender identities.

Part 2-Polyamory

I state what I do in part 1, because it’s important for the 2nd part of the story. I am in a polyamorous relationship with my husband. He’s fully aware of it (it wouldn’t be polyamorous if he didn’t).
The definition that I really like for polyamory is from http://www.morethantwo.com. They also have a fantastic book that we are in the process of reading. The definition is as follows polyamory  is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour (meaning “love”); hence “many loves” or Polyamory.

Talking about polyamory is too much for one blog post and I couldn’t even really talk about as any sort of expert on it. As I said I have just recently discovered the term. I do plan to use this blog to write about my experiences so that people like me can learn from me and also so that I can seek advice from any of you who are out there that can offer it.

Part 3- My Girlfriend

This is the exciting part. I have a girlfriend. She and I have been dating about 2 weeks. She’s quite amazing and she blushes when I say that. I don’t know why because it’s true. I also won’t go into much detail about her at this time because I haven’t gotten explicit permission to do so. So until I do, all you really need to know is that she’s beautiful but more importantly she makes me happy.

Part 4-Why Post all this Online?

I no longer want to hide who I am, but more importantly and less selflessly I no longer want others to feel that they have to hide either. I want to help inspire others to live life to their fullest and to be happy. I want them to find courage in my posts and stories and be able to go to school and face their classmates. I want people of all orientations, gender identities, and life styles to feel that they don’t have to be ashamed because they don’t fit into the norm. I’ve heard so many stories and felt the pain of losing friends for telling them of who I was. I do not want this to continue any longer. I may be only one writer, but it has to start somewhere.

So please share my posts. Pass on the acceptance and love. Stop the social conditioning that this has to be swept under the carpet and not spoken about. I wish I knew a fraction of what I do know when I was first learning about myself in high school. We need to be able to inspire change! It has to start somewhere!

Where to begin….

This week has been a trying one to say the least….

Let’s start with last weekend. It was amazing. I met a friend. She’s amazing. I think if it weren’t for her; I may not have gotten through this week as well as I have. She’s been understanding about my stress and emotions. She’s a transgender male to female. Which when some people read that sentence, that’s all they are going to see about her. That’s the farthest from the truth. She’s funny even if I can’t catch all of her jokes. She’s sweet and caring. She’s beautiful and smart. She can be anything she wants to be, and when she finally decides what that is she’ll be the best at it. I met her on Friday, and she’s one of the best things that has happened in a while.

That’s why I had to start with the weekend. Without the weekend, this week would have been hell.

On Monday, I was in a car accident. I’m not going to go into details as to what happened. Everyone’s okay, and I was the only one in the car. My car is totaled. I am in the process of buying a new car. I should have a new one tomorrow.

As some of you know, with anxiety and OCD my stress has been through the roof and this week has been full of emotions.
I was fairly calm. It was the day of tasks. I knew what I needed to get done, and I went though the motions.  Fibromyalgia tried to rear it’s head. My neck really hurt and my back did too but with heavy doses of Aleeve the pain didn’t last too long. I went to my newly mentioned friend’s house and was able to get out of my head and  play video games. It was really needed after replaying the accident and everything over again. (thanks OCD).
I was full of rage. I felt like my testosterone was just flowing through my veins. With PCOS, it could have been. Also with stress and anxiety it could have been just overwhelming response to that. I wanted to kill anyone who got in my path. I was so angry at Tim for not understanding that I was still sore from my accident and that I was stressed out from that. I wanted to kill my coworker for eating her soup too loudly.  I just wanted to scream til I couldn’t anymore. I received that news that my car was totaled and that I should clean out my car so that I could receive payment sooner. My friend and I did that, that afternoon.
Afterwards, we went to her house and hung out. She was able to help put somethings into perspective. I was having trouble admitting something to myself, and I didn’t even want to say it aloud. I was afraid that my car accident was a punishment for sins that I had commitment. I am a follow of Christ. I don’t know if that necessary makes me a Christian because Christians have started making that word mean something that isn’t necessary following the example that Christ Himself set out for us. My friend, she’s not a Christian. She’s actually an Atheist. She help me put it in perspective. I knew in my heart that God didn’t cause my accident, but I was letting my depression cause my mind to take control. I need to not let the dark thoughts be put in His mouth. He loves and accepts me. It was great talking with her about it. It really made her uncomfortable and myself a little (a lot) if I’m honest, but she said the best things anyone could have.  I can’t even begin to try to quote what she said.

I know there are people who are not going to like what I’ve written or agree with it, but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and inspire those who are similar to me. I can’t do that without being honest. Even this blog isn’t completely honest, and I’m doing a disservice. However, it’s the best I think I can do at the moment.